Couch Coach

The best things in life are unexpected surprises, things that happen to you when you least expect it. Finding $5 in a pair of pants; that is great. Driving through downtown at night, and then the theme from Shaft comes on the radio; that is pretty sweet. Arriving home from work on a rainy day only to discover Kerry Wood is striking out 20 Houston Astros; awesome. I had one of these moments this weekend. A sports moment coming out of no where that turned an otherwise boring Sunday afternoon into some of the most entertaining hours I have spent this year.

It started off as just a normal every day Sunday. No Chance was out of town on business and my other roommate, Tex LeBeau the Canadian Cowboy, was out with his bride to be, so Sports HQ was empty for the afternoon. I had walked in the door, fresh off a little walk back from Church and checking on a friend, and realized I had no real obligations. I mean, I could clean up the place, but that is such a boring way to spend an afternoon. Besides, I knew there was some NCAA Basketball on TV. Although my beloved Kentucky Wildcats had already been eliminated, the matchup of Kansas versus Oregon was enough to pique my interest. It isn't really March until Kansas coach Roy Williams breaks down in a sob-fest after his team is eliminated from the tournament. This guy is the Dick Vermiel of college basketball. I used to work in a pre-school and Roy Williams cries more than your average 4-year-old. Anyways, I had decided that I would root for Oregon, mainly because they have a big, pasty white center name Chris Christofferson, spelled slightly different, but pronounced the same way as the singer/songwriter. For some reason, this made me laugh. Although if Kansas does win the NCAA Title, I can claim in my bracket that I picked the winner, that doesn't really matter, since I gave up on my brackets a long time ago.

It was during a commercial break that I started flipping through the channels. ESPN Classics was having a Notre Dame Fighting Irish marathon, and were showing the Miami/Notre Dame game from 1989. This had to be my lucky day, because my favorite college football player of all time, Mr. Tony Rice, #9 for your Fighting Irish, was on my television in all his glory. Running the option, cutting left and right through the Hurricane defense, and finally punching in the touchdown. And who was that on defense? Chris Zorich, the guy who used to work out with manhole covers. Finally, there was Lou Holtz on the sideline. This unexpected surprise put a smile on my face, and I decided, I was going to have a beer. Now this would seem like enough to make a good day, flipping between the NCAA Tournament and a replay of one of the greatest football teams of all time while enjoying a frosty beverage. Little did I know what else was in store.

During one of those rare commercial breaks on both telecasts, I went into my usual television rotation of the ESPN channels, MTV, MTV2, VH1, Muchmusic, and the Cartoon Network.

It was at MTV that I came across the final part of my sports trifecta, Wrestlemania's Greatest Moments. Are you kidding? Could this be real? NCAA Basketball, Notre Dame football, and Wrestlemania's Greatest Moments! All on TV at the same time! Sure enough, there they were: Hulk Hogan taking on Andre the Giant, Shawn Michaels, the Heart Break Kid versus Razor Ramon in a ladder match. The Rock's first great interview with Gennifer Flowers, The Ultimate Warrior taking the belt from the Hulkster, and of course, the Undertaker and Stone Cold Steve Austin. I was torn, what do I do? How do you choose between the best of Live Sports, Recorded Sports, and Fake Sports? These are the moments Sports HQ was made for, and as I took the remote firmly in my hand, I knew that it would take some of the finest driving ever seen to enjoy all of these events.

Luke Ridenour, the Oregon point guard, drives to the hole for a quick deuce; TV timeout, go to ESPN Classic. Steve Walsh throws a pick; go to MTV. Kane pile drives Pete Rose, Liberace dances with the Rockettes; back to ESPN Classic. Tony Rice runs a keeper to get an Irish first down! Sweat started to form on my brow, as I knew this Notre Dame drive would require extended viewing. I had to put down my beer because this was taking 100% of my concentration. I had to cut back to the basketball game, I knew Bill Rafftery would be saying "Chris Christofferson" sometime soon and I needed a chuckle. Finally, as a Steve Walsh pass went out of bounds, I switched. Sure enough, there was my big, pasty buddy, unfortunately he was getting his ass handed to him by Drew Gooden of Kansas. The phone rang, but I ignored it. Wrestlemania beckoned, and there was Mike Tyson with Triple H and Chyna taunting Stone Cold Steve Austin. I knew the face turn that awaited Iron Mike, and thought to myself that out of the four people on screen right now, it is the professional wrestlers that lead the most normal lives. Scary. Back to the Irish. Sure enough, they scored to pull ahead. I, of course already knew the outcome of the game, but I still felt a little anxious about holding Miami's offense. CBS, ESPN Classic, MTV, back and forth, one after the other, making sure I did not dally on one too long, but also making sure I did not miss anything either. I do not believe that I saw one commercial during the two hours these three sporting events.

Finally, the time drew to a close. Oregon challenged, but they never got real close to Kansas, delaying the Roy Williams Cry-A-Thon at least one more week, Notre Dame finished off the Hurricanes, and the final highlights of Wrestlemania were shown.

The moment had passed, and I knew that whatever happened that night could not compare with that afternoon. Unexpected surprises are always the best, so if your day is going bad and people in your office are raving about boring crap like In The Bedroom, keep your chin up. You never know, a Tombstone Piledriver from the Undertaker could be right around the corner.