Hurray for Halloween
The only holiday that doesn't suck when you get older

By Sarah Tackett

Is there some grand expedition on the arctic trail that I don't know about? Should someone tell Nanuk to team up the sled-dogs? Seriously ladies, what's with wearing Sasquatch snow-boots when it's over seventy degrees out? It's like it has been Halloween for weeks and everybody decided to go as Eskimos. Snow-boots are for snow sillies, not to mention that they are hideous and cankle-ly. But if you want to burn up for a stupid fashion trend, so be it.

And to force an awkward sequitur—Lexington's gonna be burnin' up fo' Halloween. Halloween is the best!!! There is no argument. No other holiday do you get to dress up as an idiot and go to a bunch of parties. That's it! It's so simple! No gifts, no miserable family ordeal, no serious-love-interest-dinner-date-hell, just costumes, and candy, and booze! Hallelujah, Amen.

So between the parties here are some events to get into this weekend.

First for the Kids (and all you immature adults who can't get over being too old to trick or treat): Jacobson Park is, as always, hosting the terribly fun "Midnight Terror" haunted forest. So what you do is wait in line and watch old scary Hitchcock movies like Psycho until it is your turn to walk through the creepy woods and have ghouls, ghosts and zombies jump in your face, scaring your knickers plain off your body. Nothing beats the adrenaline rush of screaming bloody murder and running like hell from a teenager in a Jason mask revving a chain-less chainsaw. It's on from the 27th until the 31st at Jacobson Park, off Richmond Rd.

If you prefer to keep your knickers on, a more restrained event is the 4th annual Lexington Historic District Ghost Walk and Creepy Crawl. It's a walking tour of downtown Lexington where you follow some dude in a top hat around all the old houses and listen to him make up stories about ghosts. He is such a liar. I live in one of the places he talks about, and the only thing that haunts me is a leaky roof and the faint smell of a cat whose litter box apparently used to be in my storage closet. I'd prefer a ghost. The event runs from October 27th -31st. Tours leave from Sawyer's Grille at 9:00pm. It's $7 for adults and $5 for children. Info, 859/ 277.3265.

The Bluegrass Trust is also hosting a ghost story tour. They take off from the John Hunt Morgan House at 6:15pm and every 15 minutes thereafter, on the 28th, 29th, and 30th .They might be the one with the guy in the top hat, I'm not sure. Top hat or not, I AM sure they substitute ghosts for the less mysterious leaky roof/cat urine stories that accurately haunt the neighborhood. Admission is $5 per person and the stories are suitable for children—unlike my column. Info, 859/ 253.0362.

For the Boozers: Sorry to have to be the one to tell you, but when A1A died, so did their annual Pimp and Ho Ball. Don't bother polishing your mack-daddy cane, or breaking out the fishnets. It's official, for the first time in years there will be no ball to celebrate your degraded sexual morals. However, cheer up, Avio is throwing a Heaven and Hell party on the 30th. The VillBillies are playing that night and cash prizes will be awarded to the funniest and, yes, sexiest costumes of the evening. So you pretty much have one of two choices, sexy angel, or sexy devil.

High on Rose is hosting the Yellowbelts around 10ish on the 30th. They are an alternative rock band…Surprise! Yeah, well anyway the bartender Ryan promises that they too will award prizes to those in costume. However, he didn't reveal to me what the prizes were. I have a feeling you just might win a couple of Official High on Rose pint glasses and a book of matches.

The Dame will be hosting The Apparitions performing Pink Floyd's the Wall, both Saturday the 30th and an encore Sunday the 31st. They report nothing in terms of prizes, but I trust that if you take the time to design a costume of Two Lost Souls Swimming in a Fish Bowl, out of poster board, saran wrap and garbage bags (without suffocating yourself) they must compensate you with some sort of reward.

For the Yuppies: Ok, so when I called the usual Yuppie establishments and asked what was up for Halloween, I almost got laughed off the phone. Not to worry though. Thank God for Buddy's who knows that the joy of this holiday is for people of all ages. On the 30th they will have a Halloween menu, drink specials, and Palm Readers Madame Fifi and Madame Cosmo. And if you’re going to take serious advice from a stranger, they might as well be named Madame Fifi or Madame Cosmo.

Happy Halloween!!!

I'll leave you with some of the costume ideas that I had and passed on. For groups: The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is much funnier in practice than on paper, Gem and the Holograms are truly outrageous, and who doesn't love Grimace, Birdee, and the Hamburglar. If you are going solo and you want to be scary try, Richard Simmons, OJ, or the Princess of Darkness herself…Rhonda Reeves (bleach sold separately). n