It’s debatable

By Kevin Faris

Good evening and welcome to the First Commonwealth Debate between the two factions of University of Kentucky Wildcat Fans. From the Right, the Cat-publicans a steadfast “Compassionate Conservative” group and from the Left, the Cat-ocrats, a more liberal open-minded group of fans. My name is Kevin Faris and I will be your moderator.

Kevin Faris: First question to the Cat-ocrat. Sir, what do you think of the current state of the football program?

Cat-Ocrat: Thank you, Kevin. The program is run by a bunch of fools. This current coaching staff is the wrong staff, at the wrong place, at the wrong time. The UK administration has bungled this since the beginning. We had Bill Parcells pinned down in the hills of Florida, but let him escape to Dallas. We need a change if we wish to be strong at home and respected in the Southeastern Conference.

Cat-Publican: Wow! I don’t know where to begin. How can you call yourself a fan and not support this team? These players are working hard. Football is hard work. And they are doing great! It’s hard work. How do you think bringing in new leadership would change this? How can you say “Wrong staff, wrong place, wrong time” and expect these players to play hard. You have to support the players, the staff, and the administration to be a “real” Cat fan.

KF: Cat-ocrat, your response?

CO: I am a “real” Cat fan. I love the Cats. I have always been consistent in my support of the Cats. I just don’t think this staff has what it takes.

CP: You say you support the team, but did you stay for the whole game against Ohio?

CO: No, I left early…to…beat traffic.

CP: And did you boo?

CO: Yes I did. We were losing to a bad MAC team, but I was booing the coaches and the play calling, not the players.

CP: A-HA!! So, you used to support the team, and now you bash it. We have a word for that—Flip-Flopper!!

CO: What is that bulge in the back of your jacket? Are you being fed answers?

KF: And is that a wire under your tie?

(Disembodied Voice): Say no! Say it is just a wrinkle in your suit!

CP: Uh, no. It is just a wrinkle in your, I mean, my suit.

CO: My opponent suffers from the same problem as Coach Brooks. Whoever is sending in his answers is an idiot, just like Hudson calling in plays from the booth.

CP: You call yourself a True Blue Cat Fan, but I have been at every UK game since Bear Bryant was here, and before we sat down for this debate, I have never seen you before.

CO: NEVER SEEN ME!! I used to sit two rows behind you!! I painted my face and wore a blue afro wig!! Of course, I had to give up my season tickets because of the rise in ticket prices. This administration has raised ticket prices and the donations to the K-Fund. This benefits the fat-cats and the upper 1% of UK fans, while the average middle-class fans are left out in the cold.

CP: Did you hear that? He will raise ticket prices for everyone!

CO: I didn’t say that! I think tickets should be more affordable and fans shouldn’t be held hostage by donations to the K-Fund.

CP: There he goes again. Flip-flopper!!

CO: Liar!

KF: OK, no more name calling. Moving on. Senior Shane Boyd remains the starting QB, despite several sub par performances. Is it time for a change?

CO: Once again, I will have to discuss what a complete mess this staff has made of the program. The time has come to bring in a new regime, and this includes the quarterback. Several UK leaders agree with me: Chris from Richmond, Gabe, and many posters at I have a plan for what we can do to be successful.

CP: I have heard there are some reports on the Internets that Andre Woodson is ready to play. He is not. We need to stay the course. Things are actually going great for this team. We are working hard. We are making progress. Winning games is hard work. The future is bright.

KF: Did you just say “Internets”? Is it some sort of secret Internet that has more porn that I don’t know about?

CO: Sorry to interrupt Kevin, but this is another example of how some fans cannot accept reality. How can they look at a 45-17 loss to a bad Alabama team and say we are making progress. We barely had 60,000 people in attendance this past Saturday.

CP: There was way, way more than 60,000 people. I saw at least 200 on the field and a lot of people in yellow jackets.

CO: Those were the players, coaches, and the security guards!!

CP: By not counting these hardworking people, you denigrate their contributions. How do you expect to attract more fans to the stadium when you demean those that do show up and work hard?

CO: They have to be there!!

KF: OK gentlemen, it is now time for our closing statements. As decided by a coin flip, the Cat-publican will go first.

CP: Thank you. My opponent once supported UK. He cheered and painted his face blue/white. Now, he sits here and criticizes our hard working coaches and players. That is flip-flopping. The future is bright and success is possible, but we must stay the course. There are those that say success in football is impossible at UK. I do not listen to them. As far as mistakes this coaching staff has made, I cannot think of any. God bless you and God bless the UK Wildcats.

CO: When Guy Morriss left for Texas this administration said they would get the best coach possible. They failed. They said they would assemble the best coaching staff in UK history. They failed. This coaching staff promised we would be a winning squad. They are now 5-12. Our athletic director said we would, “Own the state.” We have lost to our in-state rival five of the last six meetings. This is not progress. We need a new direction and a new staff. I have a plan that will make us stronger at home, and more respected in the SEC. Thank you.

KF: And that wraps up our debate. I hope a lot of you had questions answered, but as we leave tonight, I believe there is still one more question on the mind of every UK fan. When does basketball start? n