Best Lines from 30 Rock Series Finale: Hogcock, Snowicane, Hamlet the Mini Pig

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As 30 Rock wound down seven seasons to its one-hour series finale tonight, there were no “Never go with a hippie to a second location,” sitcom-changers, but it was a lively hour, with Tina Fey and Alec Baldwin in rare form, and a handful of lines that held right up there with the You Face glossary episode.

Herewith:

LIZ: “Chris has gone back to work. He has a degree in ethnomusicology from Wesleyan. So he’s a receptionist at a dentist’s office. ”

JACK: “HogCock. Which is a combination of hogwash and poppycock.”

KENNETH: “Woman. Writer. New York. Those are on my list of TV no-no words.”

LIZ: “I’ll go to cable, where you can swear, and really take time to let moments land.”

JACK: “As I was taught at Six Sigma. Analyze. Strategize. Succeed. A.S.S. I’m going to crush this problem…with my ASS.”

Tracy says goodbye from the show within a show: “Thank you America. That’s our show. Not a lot of people watched it. But the joke’s on you. Cause we got paid anyway.”

TRACY: “Tracy Jordan to see Ken…Tucky Derby.”

NANCY PELOSI: “Jack Donaghy is an economic war criminal. If the democratic party controlled Congress, I would see to it that he was punished in the worst way possible, by having to come down here and listen to us.”

LIZ: “You’re just an alcoholic with a great voice.”

AL ROKER: “There’s a Snowicane coming. According to the National Weather Service you should, and I quote: ‘leave work; get in your purple Bentley; and be home with your sharks before the Tri State area gets slammed by what is being called: Snowicane, White Lady Name, Like Dorva…or something!”

JACK: [crying] “I spent Christmas alone in the Hamptons, drinking scotch and throwing firecrackers at Billy Joel’s dog.”

THE 10 BEST EPISODES OF 30 ROCK

Luckily, almost the entire library of 30 Rock is streaming on Netflix and available on Amazon. Here is a guide to the GREATEST 30 Rock episodes.

Season 1, Episode 7 – Tracy does Conan. The show starts to find its rhythm. And it sets up jokes that will turn up seven years later in the finale (Jenna’s movie, The Rural Juror; Liz’s failed relationship with Conan). Kenneth clogs at the end. Liz and Jack’s dynamic starts to find its rhythm. “Why are you wearing a tux?” “It’s after 6. What am I, a farmer?”

Season 2, Episode 4 Rosemary’s Baby. Jenna sets fire to Kenneth’s page jacket. Liz hires Rosemary Howard (Carrie Fisher), “the first female writer for Laugh-In.” Page wars escalate. Adverlingus.

Season 2, Episode 15Cooter. Matthew Broderick guest stars as Cooter. Jack works in DC. “Liz, I have to go, it’s time for my freedom search.” Liz flunks a pregnancy test.

Season 2, Episode 6 – Somebody to Love. Not just the best episode of 30 Rock, but one of the best sitcom episodes ever, and among the best 30 minutes of television ever. “We Parcells are neither wealthy nor circumcised, but we are proud.” It opens with everyone smelling maple syrup. Terrorist attack? “If you see something, say something.”  Sheinhardt Wig makes its first appearance as NBC’s parent company. Jack plays piano (“What the world needs now…”)  Edie Falco (CeCe, D-Vermont) joins as Jack’s love interest. In the Lifetime TV movie of her life — shot in the face by a Jack Russell Terriers — Kristen Wiig plays her. Verizon gets integrated product placement (“can we get paid now?) There’s a Cyrano de Bergerac spin.

Season 3, Episode 2 – Believe in the Stars (or Oprah on a Plane)  This is the famous Oprah episode, where Liz is seated next to Oprah on a plane… Or is she? Thanks Coma Naprosil. “Nobody flies without medication anymore. Why shouldn’t you enjoy the same luxuries as a dog?”

Season 3, Episode 5 – Reunion. Liz goes to her high school reunion and Jack goes along for the ride. “We all have ways of coping. I use sex and awesomeness.”

Season 3, Episode 10 – Generalissimo. Alec Baldwin plays an extra character in this episode, the evil Generalissimo of the telenovela watched by the grandmother of his new girlfriend, Elisa, played by Salma Hayek. Jon Hamm arrives for a multi-episode arc as a potential new doctor boyfriend for Liz. And rohypnol figures prominently. “Uh oh. Here come the roofies.”

Season 5, Episode 14 – Double-Edged Sword. Matt Damon guests as Liz’s pilot boyfriend. “Sweat pants guy. This is a $90 million aircraft. Not a Tallahassee strip club.” Jack and Avery go to herculean lengths to avoid having their baby born in Canada (“your milk comes in bags,”), including hopping a mobile meth lab. (“We’re not even making our own meth anymore?”) Failed NBC sitcoms air while Liz’s flight is stranded on the tarmac (“we’re just airplane folk now”), like “Gals on the Town.”  On the b-plot, Tracy has EGOT responsibility.

HALL OF FAME lines:
30 Rock Thru the Years

JACK: “Never go with a hippie to a second location.”

JACK: “It’s business drunk, it’s like rich drunk. Either way, it’s legal to drive.”

JACK: “I don’t believe in soulmates and I worked too hard to get where I am to sacrifice it for some woman. I don’t care if she is beautiful, brilliant, and she does it like her father’s a minister.”

LIZ: “Coma Naprosil? May cause dizziness, sexual nightmares, and sleep crime.”

LIZ: “You know what family means to me Lemon? Resentment. Guilt. Anger. Easter egg hunts that turn into knife fights.”

JACK: “The Company has acquired an up-and-coming social networking site called YouFace… This Picture will be my FoLo” ["not a word"] which is a contraction for Photo and Hello.”

LIZ: “Those sites are for horny, married chicks with kids who want to exchange pervy emails with all their high school boyfriends.”

JULIANNE MOORE: “I’ll hit you on YouFace, but you gotta promise to fingertag me back.”

JACK: “Beautiful people are treated differently from moderately pleasant looking people. They live in a Bubble. A bubble of free drinks, kindness, and outdoor sex.”

JACK:  “Rich 50 is middle-class 38.”

LIZ: “Meeting someone new… Ugh… All the nodding and smiling and sibling-listing — and what’s the upside? It works, and you have to have a bunch of sex… I just wish I could start a relationship about 12 years in. When you really don’t have to try anymore and you can just sit around together and goof on TV shows and then go to bed without anybody tryin’ any funny business.”

Liz: “I’m like that woman on the Food Network whose husband only comes home on the weekends, and spends the rest of the time eating and drinking with her gay friends.”

LIZ: “I’ve scheduled a root canal for February 14, Jack. I will spend half the day in twilight sleep and then go home and watch the original Lifetime movie, ‘My Stepson is my cyber husband.’ …

LIZ: “One world: Oral… Wait. Two Words: Oral. Surgery. I’m having Oral Surgery and skipping Valentine’s Day. Doctor’s Orders.

JACK: “I thought you made love like an ugly girl. So present… so grateful.”

JACK: “Be with me C.C. We’ll ignore our differences til the sex goes bad, then we’ll walk away bitter and angry.”

  • Doave

    “I spent Christmas alone in the Hamptons, drinking scotch and throwing firecrackers at Billy Joel’s dog.” – sounds like my ideal christmas!



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