Meet Ace’s Bluegrass Bachelors: the Most Eligible Men in the Bluegrass…and they’re for Sale!

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Ace’s Bluegrass Bachelor Charity Date Auction benefits Woodstock Animal Foundation
The Tell Tale Heart…and other Bachelor Stories.
Interviews by Rob Bricken

Men.

What is it about men that we love so much? Is it that they’re from Mars? Is it their primal nature to sow their seed far and wide? Is it their ability to fix cars and sweat profusely? Whatever it is, there’s one thing we know: we’ve got men.

And not just any men; we’ve got the good ones. They’re underneath the floorboards, in the Ace cellar. We hear them scream sometimes. It may sound a bit cruel, but when you’re holding onto the most eligible bachelors in the bluegrass, you don’t want to take any chances.

If you want some, there’s only one way to do it. Come down to Ace Weekly’s Bluegrass Bachelors 2001 Charity Date Auction on February 9th at the Loudoun House (7-9pm). We’ll be cleaning the boys off, fitting them in suits, and then hanging them for display for purchase.

But you don’t buy a car without giving it a test ride, right? So we’re not going to make you wait to check out these bachelors. We know you need to figure out how much to withdraw from your savings account. But there’s no need to shop cost-effectively-the proceeds go to the Woodstock Animal Foundation (supporting animal rescue, adoption, and low-cost spay/neuter).

Buy one in the silent auction. Buy two, for a fun-packed weekend. Hell, collect the whole set.

So here they are, the top ten, the near-dozen most eligible men in the bluegrass. They’re hot. They’re smart. They all have jobs and are self-supporting. None of them live with their mothers (or at least, none of them admitted to it). Boron, the fifth element of the periodic table, obviously plays little to no role in their lives.

Read through the insert, paying strict attention to their answers.

Get to know each bachelor, as though you’ve been watching them through their windows for years.

Lick their picture, if you feel comfortable enough. Scratch ‘n sniff. (They smell good.)

We know you’ll have a hard time deciding; each one is a masculine masterpiece of eligiblity.

And they could be yours, if the price is right.

Come on down.

 


Meet the Bachelors


Charles Ellis

Age: 40

Career: Web designer/artist

Education: some college

Favorite Meal in Lexington: Any Indian food

Last Movie: Shadow of a Vampire

Last Album: Kid A by Radiohead

Post-modern or post-post-modern: (didn’t like this question)

Can Art Be Food? Yes

Should It Be Eaten: Sure

Would name his kids: Sarah for a girl, Blake or Trevor for a boy

Favorite Alcoholic Beverage: Guinness, draft or in a can “with the little nitrogen ball. It tastes better in Ireland.”

Musical Tastes: The Kinks, Radiohead, Stravinsky and Tangerine Dream

Times It Took Him to ‘Get’ Kid A by Radiohead: Still Counting

Upon Receiving Flowers from a Woman, He’d Be Flattered?: “Sure. I guess I like lilies.”

Regular Breakfast: “I usually don’t eat breakfast. Coffee, I guess. I eat lunch out a lot.”

Where He’d Like To Move: Florence, Italy

Favorite Medium: Oil and canvas. “I like the colors, I like that they’ve lasted for over 500 years. I like the texture, and what you can do with them.”

Web Design a Science, Art, or Quick Money: “Probably a quick way to make money. I don’t know what I’d be doing if it weren’t for computers. I used to wait tables and then computers came along.

Desired Super-Power: Flight

If a Packet of Kool-Aid, Would Be: “Cherry Red.”

Quick Quiz

Thinks the Fifth Element of the Periodic Table Is: Iron

If Drunk at 3am and Looking for the Hotel Casablanca, Would Call: Morocco

Short Answer:

Worst Childhood Transgression and Punishment: “I think I stole something it was this little skull head that you stuck a cigarette in and it puffed. I had to go back and admit it. But I’d steal it now though, if I found it again.”

Worst Date Experience: “I was on a double-date to a movie, and my date for some reason blurted out there were too many Jewish holidays. The wife of my friend was Jewish, and had a private talk [with] her. It made for a tense evening, because we saw the movie anyway.”

Would Like to Take You: “I like dinner and a movie, and long walks if it’s nice out. Raven Run is great, and the Henry Clay home.”

How He Feels about Being Sold Like Meat: “It’s kind of embarrassing. It’s good that it’s for charity, because I’m a vegetarian.”

The Bottom Line:

Extra Bits: He’s been in bands; he’s been in movies; he plays keyboards, guitar and harpsichord of only original music; he’s done art shows; he’s done everything. When asked his favorite artists he took over five minutes undecided, and still seemed reluctant to name favorites. Is taking a trip to Milan and Venice with his brushes and paints.

What His Nominator Says: Charles is the definition of a Renaissance guy!! Artist…. musician… composer….with a day job!!!


Kevin Faris

Age: 26

Career: Banker

Education: BA in English from Centre

Favorite Meal in Lexington: Anything from Suggin’s

Last Movie: Unbreakable

Last Album: Parachutes by Coldplay

Why He Is Banking With An English Degree: “A Liberal Arts degree gets you in the restaurant industry, and so I did that, then I worked in a pre-school and ended up in a bank.”

Get Down or Get Funky: Get Funky

Cat/Dog/Other: Dog “Dogs are more fun. You can’t take your cat to the park.”

Would name his kids: Sabrina or Guinevere for a girl, Alonzo Mason or Mason Alonzo (his grandfathers’ names)

Favorite Alcoholic Beverage: Woodford Reserve Bourbon on the rocks

Musical Tastes: Cold Play, U2, Dwight Yoakam, Wilco

Upon Receiving Flowers from a Woman, He’d Be….Yes “I’d want big colorful ones w/ balloons.”

Regular Breakfast: Cereal (Fruity Pebbles) “When they’re on sale at Kroger I buy like five boxes.”

Why He’s Reading Harry Potter: “They’re really good. They’re just fun, and very entertaining. An elementary school teacher friend recommended them to me.”

Where He’d Like To Move: South.

Desired Super-Power: “I’d like Green Lantern’s power. You don’t need the rest of the stuff, you have the ring. It’s a super-accessory. I don’t want to be Green Lantern, he’s lame, mind you, I just want his power.”

Favorite Super-Hero: Batman

What He’d Wear to Rob His Bank: “My regular clothes, because I would rob it in a very smart way.”

If a Packet of Kool-Aid, Would Be: Fruit Punch

Quick Quiz

Thinks the Fifth Element of the Periodic Table Is: No idea whatsoever

If Drunk at 3am and Looking for the Hotel Casablanca, Would Call: Monte Carlo

Short Answer:

Worst Childhood Transgression and Punishment: “My friend and I would build Dixie cup pyramids, then spray them with Lysol and light them up. We thought it was cool outside, and thought it would be cooler in my bathroom with the lights off. My mom came home and smelled smoke. I denied everything, and my mom said we should call the police. I just remember how she outsmarted me in a big way. No TV for quite a while.”

Worst Date Experience: “Sometimes you have to take a girl out when you don’t want to, and the object is to not have a second date. I took her to a youth soccer game in Jessamine County. Then we ate dinner at a Gold Star Chili, which was paid for in coupons. She told me she had to go home early…”

Would Like to Take You: “I’d want to do something fun. I’d love to go bowling or ice-skating.

How He Feels about Being Sold Like Meat: “I don’t mind; I just hope I raise more than $5.”

The Bottom Line:

Extra Bits: Seems quiet, isn’t; a little offbeat, very upbeat, and terribly nice and earnest. At his old bank, he figured out how to walk into the bank without setting off any of the alarms, and told all his co-workers. He called us back to reiterate that he didn’t want to be Green Lantern, he just wanted his power.

What He Says about Himself: “I’ve had long conversations about who of my friends I’d feel comfortable about telling I was a superhero if I was a superhero. I’ve come to the conclusion not many of them could keep it under wraps.”

What His Nominator Says: Kevin is the kind of guy all parties gravitate towards. Intelligent and witty, Kevin has the kind of sharp sense of humor that will leave you laughing out loud. Sensitive and attentive to women, Kevin demonstrates the kind of qualities that women want. Did I mention that he’s good looking and in great physical shape?

Tyler Redding Mainous

Age: 27

Career: Attorney

Education: BS in Psychology from Centre College, JD from Mercer

Favorite Meal in Lexington: Hibachi steak (w/ sushi appetizers) from Nagasaki Inn

Last Movie: American Psycho

Last Album: Cat Steven’s Greatest Hits

Should We Be Disturbed By Your Last Movie and Album Conjunction?: “Actually, it’s gotten more disturbing now I’m listening to the BeeGees Greatest Hits.”

Song He’d Like To Be Murdered By: Rocket Man by Elton John

Moe, Larry or Curly: Curly

Cat/Dog/Other: Dog “I’ve always had dogs, always loved dogs.”

Would name his kids: “I do not know. It would be under discussion.”

Favorite Alcoholic Beverage: “Beer that is free and cold.”

Musical Tastes: U2, Simon and Garfunkel and the Grateful Dead

Regular Breakfast: Coffee, as in office

Desired Super-Power: The ability to start and stop time “With the condition I don’t age while time is stopped.”

Thinks the Sexiness of Women on the Stand Is: Less than in regular life

Wedding Desire: “I think it would be romantic to elope in Vegas, then come back and have a traditional wedding.”

Gotten Drunk and Sued Somebody: “No [one minute pause] yes. I was too intoxicated to remember”

Would Most Like to Be Sued For: Having a big monopoly like Microsoft. “Because that means I would have a lot of money, and that’s fine with me.”

If a Packet of Kool-Aid, Would Be: “Red.”

Quick Quiz

Thinks the Fifth Element of the Periodic Table Is: Nitrogen

If Drunk at 3am and Looking for the Hotel Casablanca, Would Call: Las Vegas

Short Answer

Worst Childhood Transgression and Punishment: “I had a party at my house, and someone left an empty beer can in my mom’s underwear drawer. I didn’t really get punished, she simply showed me the beer can. I was mortified enough.”

Worst Date Experience: “I went to get my date a drink after we arrived at a party, and I came back to find her having sexual relations with another man in his car.”

Would Like to Take You: “A nice dinner somewhere, some drinks, some conversation. I’d like to cook dinner for her, at my place. It’d be quiet and private. I’d make Italian. If I could cook.”

How He Feels about Being Sold Like Meat: “It’s about time.”

The Bottom Line

Extra Bits: A little known fact about Tyler is that he is a former state chess champion and still competes from time to time. He’s been to Russia (under the Communist Regime) and coaches soccer in his free time.

What He Says about Himself: “Cheesy 70s party music pretty well sums me up.”

What His Nominator Says: “Tyler knows how to treat a woman because he knows how to LISTEN. He won’t get bored when you’re ranting about ‘girl stuff’ and understands that women need, well, a lot. Will treat you like a queen. And under that expensive suit, you will find an honest to God six-pack (bonus, ladies).
Christopher Marek

Age: 28

Career: Plastic Surgeon

Education: B.S. from William and Mary, M.D. from University of Virginia

Favorite Meal in Lexington: The Cajun Catfish at Regatta

Last Movie: Cast Away

Last Album: Paul Lamb & the Kingsnakes

Plastic Surgery is: “An art. You have be creative in how you solve each problem.”

Prefers the Road: Less traveled

Cat/Dog/Other: Dogs (200lb. English mastiff) “I love dogs. I love all animals, but dogs especially.”

Would name his kids: Austin for either

Favorite Alcoholic Beverage: Harp Lager

Upon Receiving Flowers from a Woman, He’d Be: “Anything Nice.” He’d rather them look pretty than smell pretty

Regular Breakfast: Scrambled eggs and bacon if he has time

Where He’d Like To Move: Back to Charlottesville

Has He ever Played “Doctor”: Yes. “If I’ve played doctor, I was probably the patient.”

Would he date a patient whose nose he made: No

Golf Handicap: “I have no handicap. I’m handicapped when it comes to golf.”

Desired Super-Power: Flight “I’m always running around, so it’d be nice to just be there.”

Favorite Cartoon: Scooby-Doo.

If a Packet of Kool-Aid, Would Be: Grape

Quick Quiz

Thinks the Fifth Element of the Periodic Table Is: Doesn’t Know

If Drunk at 3am and Looking for the Hotel Casablanca, Would Call: No Clue

Short Answer

Worst Childhood Transgression and Punishment: “I stole a pack of bubble gum from the grocery store, and I got caught. My dad made me go back and tell the manager. I didn’t get punished, but the shame was plenty.”

Would Like to Take You: “I’d like to do something fun that maybe neither of us has done before. So it depends on her. I’d rather just sit around and talk than go see a movie.”

How He Feels about Being Sold Like Meat: “I’m not sure yet. We’ll see how it goes first.”

The Bottom Line

Extra Bits: Is a skilled sculptor and blues harmonica player. Enjoys riding horses (even used to jump them and such) and playing with his dog, Jake. He came to the interview in scrubs fresh from the OR.

What He Says about Himself: “I once dated a girl with breast implants. I do a lot of those, and I kept thinking about doing them more than whatever.”

What His Nominator Says: “Chris Marek has what every woman notices first in a man-good looks plus a great smile. I have seen what a great surgeon he has become, and what a good, kindhearted person he is. He treats women with kindness, attention, admiration and respect. He is a great guy who has yet to meet the right girl.”

Patrick McClure

Age: 26

Career: Attorney

Education: BA from Centre, JD from UK

Favorite Meal in Lexington: Nighthawk special at Columbia’s

Last Movie: Shaft

Last Album: Stardust by Willie Nelson

Richard Roundtree or Sam Jackson: Roundtree. “The 70s has more authenticity.”

Finish the Sentence: It’s my duty to please: “The clients. That’s probably the safest thing I can say there.”

Favorite Movies: The Prince of Tides and Gone with the Wind

Would name his kids: Maldivia. “My aunt had a house named Maldivia, and I always liked that name – Molly for short.” Jefferson, or, “Atticus, from To Kill a Mockingbird.”

Favorite Alcoholic Beverage: Beefeater Gin or Guinness Draft

Musical Tastes: Classic Rock and Old Country

Upon Receiving Flowers from a Woman, He’d Be: Ecstatic

Regular Breakfast: “A cigarette and a cup of coffee.”

Where He’d Like To Move: Florence, but he’d prefer to stay in Lexington

Has He Ever Gotten Drunk And Sued An Inanimate Object: “Probably. I seem to remember a Run-DMC concert, and I wanted to sleep on my friend’s front lawn. I remember saying, “Who’s the lawyer here?!”

If He Could Sue Anybody, He Would Sue: John Foster Dulles for starting the Arms Race

Favorite Legal Phrase: “The noxious beast known as a fox. It’s more of a quote, from an early English property case.”

Golf Handicap: 2.

Desired Super-Power: X-Ray Vision, but on further contemplation, flight

If a Packet of Kool-Aid, Would Be: Cherry “Cherry puts a smile on your face.”

Quick Quiz

Thinks the Fifth Element of the Periodic Table Is: Oxygen

If Drunk at 3am and Looking for the Hotel Casablanca, Would Call: Tangiers, Morocco (Correct!)

Short Answer:

Worst Childhood Transgression and Punishment: “I got plenty of spankings, but only for back talk. The first thing I did wouldn’t get me in too much trouble, but then I’d back talk. And earn a smack.”

Worst Date Experience: “I seem to recall being in a relationship where my date left to go pick up her ex-boyfriend out of jail.”

Would Like to Take You: To the Merrick Inn for dinner, the Hyatt Regency for drinks, a UK home basketball game, followed by after-evening drinks at the Fish Tank.”

How He Feels about Being Sold Like Meat: “I’ve been looking forward to it all my life.”

The Bottom Line:

Extra Bits: Funny, quick on his feet, incredibly smart and informed. Is good buddies with Gatewood Galbraith. Enjoys chick flicks and has no shame about saying so. Once had his calls forwarded to the Malabu Pub. A huge Pat Conroy fan. Played football. Likes his Wildcat blue. Had an ex who destroyed his Christmas tree ball by ball.

What He Says about Himself: “I’ve sent a million roses in my time. It started in high school. I had a lot of girl friends, and I wasn’t dating anybody, so I gave them flowers. But I didn’t want to leave anybody out. It got out of hand. I remember one year where I sent out forty bouquets of flowers.”

What His Nominator Says: “Patrick is a unique being. Possessing little to no humility, he is able to laugh at himself when others would be red-faced. Always with a crowd, always in the middle of the best gossip, always full of extraordinary information, Patrick is a good ‘ole Southern lawyer who treats the women in his life with kindness and old fashioned manners. His boots may be muddy but his heart is pure.”

Ben H. Van Meter

Age: 40

Career: Farmer

Education: BS in Mathematics from UK

Favorite Meal in Lexington: Anything Nate Tate is serving at Portofino’s

Last Movie: Chicken Run (with his nephew)

Last Album: Wires & Wood by the Johnny Staats Project (produced by his brother)

Easiest Thing to Farm: Grass

He Farms: Grass. “I raise alfalfa for the thoroughbred industry and hay for cattle feed.”

Last Movie Seen Without Nephew: Bringing Up Baby (The Cary Grant/Katherine Hepburn classic)

Favorite Farming Implement: Hired hand

Rock, Paper or Scissors: “Definitely rock.”

Cat/Dog/Other: Dog; has a geriatric, deaf Springer Spaniel from a broken home named Oxy

Would name his kids: Solomon (after brother) and Mary (after his mom)

Normal Sunday Evenings: “Usually watching deer or fishing. Just hanging out.”

Favorite Alcoholic Beverage: Michelob Light in a can. “I do like wine, though. Some red Italian or Chilean wine.”

Musical Tastes: Grateful Dead and Pink Floyd is what I grew up with; bluegrass is what I’ve been exposed to by my brother.”

Upon Receiving Flowers from a Woman, He’d Be: Happy. “I like stock for smell, iris for their purple color.”

Regular Breakfast: “A bowl of oats, a glass of tea (a mixture of Constant Comment and green tea), and a large glass of milk.”

How Long It Took Him to Paddle Down the Grand Canyon: 11 Days, or 240 miles. Thus paddling over 21 miles a day.

Sports played: Swam through college; Frisbee, riflery, paddling, surfing, skiing, skateboarding

Last Time He Skateboarded: Three days ago

Does He Get Guff About Being 40 and Skateboarding: All the time

Desired Super-Power: Super-intelligence

If a Packet of Kool-Aid, Would Be: Very Berry

Quick Quiz

Thinks the Fifth Element of the Periodic Table Is: “Well, there are lot of philosophies about it. Plato and Aristotle had two different theories, I think Plato said it was Spirit but I would have to say Intelligence.”

Short Answer:

Worst Childhood Transgression and Punishment: “I was a jock and usually kept out of trouble.”

Worst Date Experience: “Dates with no sense of humor.”

Would Like to Take You: “Dinner at Portofino’s, and hopefully there would be something playing at the Opera House. Just something a little out of the ordinary.”

How He Feels about Being Sold Like Meat: “Hosed.”

The Bottom Line:

Extra Bits: Very modest. Did post-grad work in organic chemistry, classics, philosophy and women’s studies. Once could bench-press 350 lbs, yet is currently too shy to say what the current total is. Has a “nice” farm. Delivers Spalding donuts to friends and family (none for himself) every Saturday.

What His Nominators Say: “Would it be wrong to speculate that Ben is smart and sensitive? Let’s not speculate. He spends most of his time working on his farm or doing outdoor sports. Macho you say? Definitely! But remember, ‘smart and sensitive!’”


Dan Thompson

Age: 27

Career: Former Professional Baseball Player and Attorney

Education: BS in Economics from Yale, JD from UK

Favorite Meal in Lexington: Garlic Pasta at Regatta

Last Movie: What Women Want

Last Album: Dave Matthews

What Women Want: Men who read “Men are From Mars, Women Are From Venus”

The Young or the Restless: The Restless

Offense or Defense: “Offense. Both in sports and life.”

How He Got From Yale to Lexington: “I drove. Oh! I came back to Lexington. I was from here, and got recruited to play baseball at Yale.”

Playing: Outfield, but was later the pitcher

Two Things Lexington Has Over New Haven, CT: Southern hospitality and Keeneland

Cat/Dog/Other: “Cow. They probably wouldn’t make good pets, but I’ve always thought I would make a good cow. They’re just so useful.”

Would name his kids: Nathaniel Joseph or Elizabeth Marie

Favorite Alcoholic Beverage: Guinness, draft

Upon Receiving Flowers from a Woman, He’d Be: Confused. “I’d wonder what she did wrong.”

Musical Tastes: Eclectic – everything from Bluegrass to Dave Matthews

Regular Breakfast: Three buttered country biscuits

Where He’d Like To Move: Rather stay in Lexington, but would move south

Desired Super-Power: To read people’s minds

If a Packet of Kool-Aid, Would Be: Blue Raspberry

Quick Quiz

Thinks the Fifth Element of the Periodic Table Is: Nitrogen

If Drunk at 3am and Looking for the Hotel Casablanca, Would Call: New York

Short Answer:

Worst Date Experience: “I was out with a girl and stabbed her in her hand with a toothpick so hard it drew blood. Like when she pulled her hand away, the toothpick was still stuck in. Yes, it was an accident! There was no second date, though.”

Would Like to Take You: Dinner at Furlongs, and either a Legends baseball game or Comedy Off-Broadway.

How He Feels about Being Sold Like Meat: “It’s better than picking people myself.”

The Bottom Line:

Extra Bits: Went to Yale for goodness sake, and still came back to Lexington. Think about that. A sports guy, both to watch and play, an outdoorsman; it’s easy for him to enjoy himself. A boy’s boy, as it were.

What He Says about Himself: “Don’t you have enough stuff already?”

What His Nominator Says: “Dan was an All-American baseball player at Yale, Player of the Year in the Ivy League, and a 10th round draft pick for the Milwaukee Brewers. He’s played in Yankee Stadium and Fenway Park, for God’s sake. This guy is handsome, talented, and best of all, he’s so damn nice! Old women love him…”

Nathan Slovis

Age: 30

Career: Veterinarian

Education: BS from Radford University, DVM from Purdue

Favorite Meal in Lexington: Dudley’s Filet Mignon

Last Movie: Drowning Mona

Last Album: Matchbox 20

Biggest Animal He’s Ever Worked On: Elephant. And yes, he had to take its temperature. The process is even ickier than you might suspect, we promise.

Rocky or Rambo: Rocky

Sentence Finish: The best pet is a: Horse. “Not only can you pet them, you can hop on them.”

Musical Taste: “Country to classical to rock n’ roll, everything. I’m been listening to the BeeGees greatest hits right now. I like the Police and Urge Overkill.”

Would name his kids: Wyatt (after Wyatt Earp) and Jamie

Favorite Alcoholic Beverage: Bass Ale

Regular Breakfast: “I like Cheerios or Frosted Mini-Wheats. On the way to work. In the car. I’ve gotten pretty good at it.”

Number of Pets Owned: 7

His Horses’ Names: Guido and Capone, vaguely based on the Godfather movie

Isn’t That Kind of Twisted?: “Probably.”

Money Won on the Kentucky Derby: None

Regular Sunday Night: “At home or at work. If at home, I’d be reading journals, playing with my pets or cleaning up after the animals.”

Desired Super-Power: Invisible. “Well, I’d rather have the power to heal. But invisibility would be fun.”

If a Packet of Kool-Aid, Would Be: Grape

Rebuttal at being called a ‘ham’ by his nominator: “I don’t know what they’re talking about!”

Quick Quiz

Thinks the Fifth Element of the Periodic Table Is: Copper

If Drunk at 3am and Looking for the Hotel Casablanca, Would Call: New York

Short Answer:

Worst Childhood Transgression and Punishment: “I think I had my Big Wheel taken away from me because I painted on my Mom’s 1975 orange Camaro. I was upset at the time.”

Worst Date Experience: “Nothing that went out of control or that I regret.”

Would Like to Take You: “Something to do with the outdoors. I love the outdoors. Take a hike, maybe a picnic lunch. In town, something with a pub-like atmosphere, and just talk there. And then whatever’s playing at the Actors’ Guild.”

How He Feels about Being Sold Like Meat: “If it weren’t for charity, God forbid.”

How His Nominator Think He Feel About Being Nominated: “He’ll pretend to be embarrassed but he’s a ham.”

The Bottom Line:

Extra Bits: He’s a large animal veterinarian (that’s how he gets the elephants) specializing in horses. Owns three boa constrictors, one of which was abandoned because it had been stepped on and had a bad back. He’s always loved animals, and is an avid horseback rider.

What His Nominator Says: “Nathan has an excellent sense of humor, very intelligent, sensitive to animals, uninhibited, small enough to be completely unintimidating, loves to dance, and can take a joke.”


Lee “Sticky” Dellapina

Age: 26

Career: DJ

Education: Bartending School

Favorite Meal in Lexington: A Tolly-ho burger at 3am.

Last Movie: Loving You (with Elvis).

Last album: A Beatles album bought several years ago

The Origins of the Name Sticky: “I can’t divulge the origins of my name. I could show you. In private. But it’s not for public consumption.”

Runner-up Nicknames: “That was the hands-down winner. There was never any contest.”

Ranking of Things That Would Stick to Him, from Greatest to Least: A casserole, parking violation, a CD, a squirrel, masking tape.

Star Wars, Empire Strikes Back or Return of the Jedi: “Empire. The bad guys win.”

Would name his kids: Guiseppe (“His mom could call him Joe and I could call him Sep”) or Sophia

Favorite Alcoholic Beverage: Captain Morgan’s Spiced Rum and Coke

Musical Tastes: The Beatles and local music

Best Thing He Ever Got Free: “I got 1,500 bucks when the cops beat my ass, but I guess it wasn’t free ’cause I got my ass beaten. It was a case of mixed identity.” Otherwise, his car.

Upon Receiving Flowers from a Woman, He’d Be: Happy. “I want sunflowers!”

Regular Breakfast: “A can of tuna. Right out of the can. And a can of green beans. I’m trying hard not to be a gigantic fat-ass.”

His Typical Sunday night: “As much football as I can squeeze in.” Then DJ-ing the show of local music.

What He Would Most Like to be Prosecuted For: “Sex scandal. It would boost my career.”

Best & Worst Thing About an Old Basement Apartment: “The privacy is the best thing. The worst thing is my ceiling regularly leaks. My upstairs neighbors have some problems, but at least once a day water will pour out of my ceiling onto something I love and destroy it.”

Wedding He Wants: “Vegas. With Elvis presiding.”

Desired Super-power: “I like the Hulk’s power. Get mad and get stronger, smash stuff. That’s cool.”

Favorite Super-Hero: Spider-Man

If a Packet of Kool-Aid, Would Be: Lime

Quick Quiz

Thinks the Fifth Element of the Periodic Table Is: Oxygen

If Drunk at 3am and Looking for the Hotel Casablanca, Would Call: Paris

Short Answer:

Worst Childhood Transgression and Punishment: “I never did anything bad as a kid. I was a little angel. I was a sheep in wolves’ clothing.”

Worst Date Experience: “All of them. One time I took a girl to the playground and we were getting along famously. I picked her up and smashed her head against the monkeybars. But I’m sure that’s not the worst one.”

Would Like to Take You: “Naked Jello wrestling. Then we’d hose off. Hopefully that would take four or five hours, and we wouldn’t need to eat. There’d be the Jello.”

How He Feels about Being Sold Like Meat: “I guess it’s okay that it’s for charity.”

The Bottom Line:

Extra Bits: He’s a full-blooded 100% Italian American. Can list off two dozen local bands he really likes in under a minute. A Spider-man and Pittsburgh Steelers fanatic. Has a basket of local music CDs “that you could stand up to your knees in.” Has played in many a band, currently starring in the Rock Show.

What He Says about Himself: “There’s nothing good about this level of celebrity. I want to be Madonna-level famous. I want paparazzi camped outside my apartment so I can’t leave. I want to be king of the world.”

What His Nominator Says: “He’s attractive in ways too numerous to mention. He is honest (to a fault), respectful (when you earn it), and loving (when you look for it). Sticky is confident and fun to be around-a lucky woman would not be disappointed.”|

Lonnie Sheets

Age: 31

Career: Restaurant Manager

Education: BA in Physical Education from UK

Favorite Meal in Lexington: Rafferty’s Classic Ribeye

Last Movie: What Women Want

Last Album: Thank You by Dido

Healthy, Wealthy or Wise: Healthy

Cat/Dog/Other: Dog (a Sharpei named Satori) “Man’s best friend!”

Would name his kids: Nicole or Corey

Favorite Alcoholic Beverage: Crown Royal & 7up

Musical Tastes: Waylon Jennings, Dido, 80s oldies

Flattered or Upset If a Man Asked Him Out: Flattered

Upon Receiving Flowers from a Woman, He’d Be: Happy

Regular Breakfast: Cereal (Frosted Flakes)

Where He’d Like To Move: Australia “It looked so awesome during the Olympics.”

Desired Super-Power: Flight

Favorite Super-Hero: Spider-Man

If a Packet of Kool-Aid, Would Be: Cherry “It’s pretty basic.”

Quick Quiz

Thinks the Fifth Element of the Periodic Table Is: No idea

If Drunk at 3am and Looking for the Hotel Casablanca, Would Call: Las Vegas

Short Answer:

Worst Childhood Transgression and Punishment: “I was in third grade, and I urinated on another kid. My principal gave me one spanking on the paddle. We were in the bathroom, and he was teasing me I don’t remember what about. I just turned to him”

Worst Date Experience: “I went out on a blind date about two years ago, and it didn’t work out. She had two kids, so the whole time she spent on her cell phone talking to her kids, and our double date left. It was very boring and very long.”

Would Like to Take You: “I like dinner and a movie. But if the conversation’s good, we can find something else to do.”

How He Feels about Being Sold Like Meat: “I’m kinda nervous, I guess. I don’t know what to expect.”

The Bottom Line:

Extra Bits: He’s been a volunteer little league and basketball coach for several years. He’s quiet, and thoughtful, and you can tell a mean thought never crosses his mind. Lonnie is his real name, and is named after his mom’s ex-boyfriend. Went to Henry Clay, moved to Florida and opened 31 Roadhouse Grill’s, came back to be close to his family after his grandmother had a stroke.

What He Says: “I look for friendship in a woman most. All the other stuff wears off, so friendship is the most important.”

What His Nominator Says: “Lonnie loves children and animals; he’s very spiritual and a good friend. He’s shy about asking someone out on a date, but is looking for a long term relationship, and will make a wonderful partner.”

Silent Auction

A How-To Guide

Never been to a silent auction? No sweat. Here’s how it works, so you can buy your man in peace.

First, read up on the bachelors ahead of time in Ace. Check out their profiles. Practice saying your name as if you two were married; maybe write it out a little. Do some astrology, to find out which bachelor may be most suited to your destiny as it’s written in the stars.

Next, go to the bank and find out how much you can withdraw while still paying rent. Take it all out in big burlap sacks. Small bills only, please.

Again, no need to be shy, since it’s going to the puppies and kitties. Take it all out. You like puppies and kitties, right?

Marvin Bartlett will begin introducing the Bachelors a bit after 7pm and the celebrity panelists will interview them, so you can make your final decisions. Marvin will then direct you to the appropriate Silent Auction location where you can make your bids for each hunka hunka burning eligibility.

Go directly to the table, scream “He’s mine!” and sign up for how much you’re willing to slap down.

At 9 pm, the winning bids will be announced by Jennifer Nime. If you’ve promised the most dough and can pay up, you’ve won!

You’ll be introduced to your bachelor.

You’ll sign a liability waiver (so that after you two have married, had kids, lived together for twenty years and end up in a bitter, messy divorce, you can’t blame us if he shaves your cat in retribution).

If you don’t bring cash, a check payable to Woodstock Animal Foundation will be fine. (Dates will be honored after they CLEAR.)

The bachelors will have the “date packages,” which will include a fine dinner and event of some nature, and you and your man can discuss when and how to get together. It might be a good idea to bring a business card so that you can exchange contact info with your bachelor (when and where to meet, what to wear, stimulating topics of conversation, such as the importance of Boron in modern industrialized society).

Discuss.

Ace’s Bluegrass Bachelor Charity Date Auction is this Friday, February 9, 2001, 7pm-9pm at the Loudoun House, Castlewood Drive. As one of the celebrity panelists, Ace sports writer Jeff Zurcher will be “interviewing” the bachelors, beauty-pageant style. Auction proceeds benefit Woodstock Animal Foundation.

EDITOR’S NOTES

When People Magazine located not one, but TWO, of their prospective NATIONAL list of most eligible bachelors, via Ace, we thought we might be well-positioned to locate the catch of the county.

We’d been looking for another charity project to take on since the Ace Holiday Party CD. Hence, and then came up with the “Buy a Bachelor, Save a Puppy” idea. (All Auction proceeds will benefit Woodstock Animal Foundation, promoting animal rescue, adoption, and low-cost spay/neuter programs.)

We’ve gotten a few fairly good-natured complaints about the Project. One is from guys who say, “it’s sexist” as in, “you’d never let US auction off GIRLS.” (Maybe not, but surely there are enough strip clubs, wet t-shirt contests, boob bars, and mud-wrestling events to meet the community’s need to see women treated as chattel.)

The second complaint is from women who say, “it’s sexist,” as in “buying a man is a blow to feminism.” To which we can only say, please stop using the word “blow” around here. Let’s just say we had to call in a LOT of favors to assemble these date packages, and it’s kind of a touchy subject. (Let us also direct feminists to this week’s A&E Lead, devoted to the Vagina Monologues, for those who appreciate a study in contrasts. The cast said they’d forgive us for not giving them the cover if we’d change the slogan to “Buy a Bachelor, Save a Pussy,” because apparently, they are all cat lovers.”)

Eloise Campbell has worked herself to death, and deserves ALL the credit for putting together the Bluegrass Bachelor Auction. On behalf of her extremely charming boyfriend, we”ve tried to make sure she hasn’t had TOO much fun – but it’s a losing battle. She’s a born Project Director.

We owe a tremendous debt of gratitude to far too many people to name here (many of them are included in a sidebar, after the bachelor profiles).

But most importantly, we’d like to  thank the Bachelors – for being such great sports, for a great cause.



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